Sorry on mobile so formatting.
Sorry this is super long so TL;DR at the bottom.
Sorry.
Characters: CL: crazy lady EK: entitled kid GF1: one of my supermodel GFs GF2: my other supermodel GF
So I was at a hardware store (one of the big ones) buying materials to build houses for blind, deaf, gay, transgender, black, muslim, hispanic, immigrant, impoverished, 6-year-old orphans (which is how I spend most of my time). I was holding hands with (and frequently kissing) both GF1 and GF2. Keep in mind, I was in full clown makeup and costume, so I looked nothing like any of the employees there.
Suddenly I heard a piercing voice screech “HEY YOU, WHERE IS THE CANDY?! MY BEAUTIFUL BOY WANTS SOME CANDY!” I turned around and saw a middle-aged white woman with a “can I speak to your manager” haircut and an obese kid (I’m guessing 7 or 8) who was playing Fortnite on his tablet.
At first, I wasn’t sure who she was talking to. After all, I was the only one in the aisle. Then she marched up to me and got in my face. “YOU’RE A TERRIBLE EMPLOYEE AND A BAD PERSON. I HOPE YOU DIE”.
Now I’m a big guy. I’m 6’5”, 300 pounds of pure, rippling muscle, with a chiseled jaw and eyes that have been described as pools of honey. I’m also a veteran who served 12 tours of duty in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Syria and earned a Medal of Honor for doing a backflip off of a helicopter and no-scoping 34 ISIS terrorists who were about to launch a nuke at Washington, DC. But in that moment I didn’t know what to say. I just kind of stood there, slack-jawed, as CL screamed in my face.
Both GF1 and GF2, to try to diffuse the situation, began making out with me to show that I was not, in fact, an employee helping other customers. I also think they just wanted to ;). Meanwhile EK got killed in Fortnite and began sweeping merchandise off of the shelves, screeching about candy and how he hates women and minorities.
I gently tried to tell him to stop, but CL began punching me as hard as she could, screaming, alternately with racial slurs too horrible to repeat here, about how she was going to call the police because I was assaulting her son. I blocked most of the punches with my black belt Jiu Jitsu skills and tried my best not to hurt her by accident.
By this point a crowd of hundreds had gathered to rhythmically cheer me on, so I wasn’t worried about the police at all. I quietly told CL, “I’m actually not an employee here,” a statement which was immediately corroborated by the 6 actual employees who had arrived on the scene.
Just then, CL crossed the line. She slapped GF1. Now, I’m not an angry guy. I can take physical violence, angry threats, even racism, but the moment you hit one of my 2 supermodel GFs, that crosses the line. I gently grabbed the arms of GF1 and GF2, and began to walk away, still trying to be the bigger man. Just then, CL stopped screaming about how she’s proud that EK isn’t vaccinated and how she believes the earth is flat, and began to repeatedly shout “CAN I SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER?!”
So I turned around with a shit-eating grin on my face as I grabbed my name tag from one of my employees and said “I am the manager, ma’am.”
The crowd, which by now had swelled to about 10,000 people and which included former president Barack Obama (not censoring name because public figure), erupted in wild cheering. CL screeched incoherently, grabbed EK (who was crying and demanding free V-bucks from everyone around him) and sprinted out the door on all fours, stealing boxes of office supplies and pushing over no less than 14 Vietnam vets on her way out.
The best part is that she ran right into a police blockade. Obama himself, who was now shaking my hand and presenting me with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, had called the cops. Turns out she was wanted for shoplifting; assault; and showing up to restaurants just before they closed, ordering $800 meals, and then not tipping while treating the noble and overworked waitstaff like shit. I hope that EK goes on to have a better life.
TL;DR: I am a good person who was accosted by an unreasonable woman.
Edit: a word
Edit: Wow this blew up. Thank you kind stranger for platinum.
UPDATE: Here’s an actual conversation I had today with CL while trying to sell my Xbox on Ebay. She must’ve snuck a cellphone into jail: CL: I know you said you were selling for $350 but can I get it for a nickel and a ball of lint. ME: sorry no can do, it’s brand new and signed by all of the Beatles and the LA Lakers. CL: Fine I’ll take it for $4 if you hand-deliver it to me. ME: Again, I’m not negotiating. It’s $350 and you have to pick it up. CL: C’mon pleeeeeaaaaase. It’s Christmas and I need to get a gift for my son. ME: Again, no. CL: Wow way to ruin Christmas, asshole. CL: Fuck you. CL: Fuck you. CL: Fuck you. CL: Answer me you asshole. ME: Sorry, I was busy building some homes for some orphans. CL: This is no way to run a business. I demand the Xbox for $2 or less. ME: You know what, I’m feeling generous today. If you buy the Xbox for $50, I’ll throw in some of my art, which is world-renowned and usually goes for about $1000 a painting, for only $15 more. CL: make the art free CL: I have 24 friends on Facebook you’ll get good exposure. CL: I have a cousin who can do art like that for only 23 cents CL: that art is trash anyway CL: fuck you.
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